This year, for me, has been the toughest, longest drawn out chapter of my life. The trials I have faced and the hurdles that I have jumped I thought would break me. I wanted to lay down and let my house of cards fall. The big downfalls overshadowed my littlest of accomplishments. What I failed to realize was that stepping out on my own to make a life not only for myself, but for Amelia, wasn't the worst thing I ever did, but one of the best.
Here we are, almost a year to the day, and I have accomplished so many things...
I am writing again. It may not seem like much to onlookers, but my passion for the written word is my lifeblood. Ever since I could properly form a sentence, I knew that I would live and die by my pen. I let motherhood, the daily struggle of keeping my head above water, and the monotony of everyday life overshadow my talents. I lost myself somewhere along the way and in a sense I lost my voice. Writing has always been an escape for me- a chance to rewrite things I should've said in fleeting moments. A chance to change endings and outcomes of life's less favourable endeavors. Starting to write again, even if it is in this silly little blog or starting stories and poetry that will never have an ending has helped me find that shred of light in the darkness that was my life for so long.
I have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. With two failed relationships in less than a year, with two of the worlds biggest narcissistic sociopaths. I can finally say that though they ended in ways that I wouldn't wish on even my worst of enemies, they may have helped more than hindered my future (although, they do not deserve an ounce of praise). Now I'm not going to say that I'm not walking away with major trust issues and the need for more therapy, but I now know that, as a woman, I know my worth and that I do know how to stand my ground and to settle for anything less than what I deserve will no longer be tolerable. Meeting two diabolical douch bags in less than a years time and having to handle legal matters against them have opened my eyes. I can help so many people by not only sharing my own stories, but by standing by them and guiding them if ever they should face abuse and assault and belligerence from another human being. Dating them has lead me to wanting to be a social worker and legal counselor specializing in domestic and sexual abuse. No one should ever have to live through what I have faced with these two men ( and by men, I mean boys), but unfortunately that is the nature of the beast and I'll be damned if I don't try my hardest to help prevent it from happening to someone else and if it does, at least I can be there to guide them through the worst thing they could ever have to deal with.
My self-confidence isn't back in full force, but it is definitely building itself up. After my sexual assault, I felt so guilty for letting myself be put in that kind of a situation with any man. I felt guilty for not fighting back. And worst of all, I felt guilty for letting that undeserving trash around my greatest possesion- my daughter. The severe amount of guilt I felt following my assault left me motionless. I am slowly letting go of the guilt and letting myself regain my footing and what I know I deserve in partner. The lack of self-esteem, the fear of being alone (for safety reasons), and the dark colored lenses of guilt clouded my vision and lead me to believe that douche bag number two was Mr. Perfect, but it was on it's way to becoming potentially more dangerous than douche bag number one. I no longer need someone to define my worthiness, when I'm fabulous all by myself. I don't need someone elae to dictate where I stand when I am forging my own way and taking the path less traveled.
When I lost my Mom at the beginning of the year, people began to describe how to handle my grief by "taking it one day at a time", truth is, they're wrong. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Taking it one day at a time may work for some, but for the last year, I have been living life one breath at a time, because if there is anything this chapter in life has taught me it is to never take a single thing in your life for granted. I always thought I would have more time with my Mom, so I always opted for working or doing something else. I thought, in my hopeless romanticism, that people could be trusted. What an eye opener this year has been for me. Of course, there are things I wish I could do or say over, but this year has changed me and taught me more than it has broken me.
So here's to the next phase of my life. May it be a bit less drama and injury filled; may I find the life lesson in each trial I face, and may I understand that even the smallest accomplishments matter.
Cheers.
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